Give Me a Sign!

Lord God, You slay my foolish heart with love and tender mercy.

When I am overwhelmed in single parenting a third son alone,

You gift me with tickets to see a favorite band

When I am exhausted as one bearing the load of two,

You bring a 4 day respite road trip with my sister in Christ

When I am full of myself, steeped in regret of yesterdays’ lost

You whisper “make a sign. shhh, trust Me”

When I can’t see the “Why’s”  You lead and guide

When I don’t want to make a sign, You gently remind..

“Make a sign”  You even tell me exactly what it should say.

A rolled up poster board I didn’t want to buy

Sharpies I threw in at the last second of packing.

“No time for Your sign Lord, I’ve got to keep moving..”

Standing in line, once again you  remind “make a sign”

“Later” my belligerent reply, I don’t want to make a sign.

I don’t want the attention, I don’t want to be seen.

“Then how will you ever stand in the middle of your dreams?”

Run to the bathroom before they open the doors,

Thunder, lightening, and Oh how it pours..

Trapped in the bathroom! Your Grand Design?

“Now you have time to make Me a sign”

I defiantly comply.  My spirit sighing “why?”

Still uncertain of what ‘I’ want to say, You remind me:

“Call My Name”

Disobedient child am I

I decide, my sign will have two sides.

Yours & mine.

I scribble the words, trembling that someone might actually read.

Then you say “write, ‘I’ll sing it with you”  and I refuse.

Only to comply, because You told me too.

Lord, I am scared, I don’t want to hold this up, What if they see?

No attention focused on me..

Once again , You remind

“I long to give you the desires of your precious, beautifully broken heart”

Hold up your sign.

I am terrified, I try to pass the sign to others..

No one will carry my sign, Yet they hold my arms up.

Their loving eyes encourage ‘hold it up high!’

You placed me in the seat behind the shortest stature in the line

I pray I am too far away,

That words won’t be read.

My arms feel heavy like lead.

The enemy’s jeering in my head

“You’re a fool, you & your stupid sign,

sit down, shut up and hide behind”

Then from the stage, my sign is seen…

You call me forth “Stand in your dream”

Awakened now I’ve realized

Fear’s the lie that paralyzed

It was only thru Your strength in me

That I could even leave my seat

To climb the stairs, & see it thru

I kept my eyes fixed on You

“Delight yourself in Me” You say

“Desires of your heart will make their way”

Trembling fear now shrinks beside

Brave girl standing holding a mic.

And the other side of my sign?

‘I do believe I’m walking away with “the Victory”‘

Self willed words I scribbled

Echo exactly what You planned on bringing.

Amen

Pam Cruz

Sept. 9, 2015

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Who I am and why I’m here August 2, 2015

I am a very intelligent, witty, silly middle aged woman trying to find her way.   On a journey of self discovery and rediscovery after single parenting 3 boys.    I tend to be well spoken, intellectual and articulate.. until I start to write.  Then it seems I can easily rabbit trail and lose focus.

Besides my gift of making others laugh, I enjoy encouraging people. To share my experience and leave folks with real hope.

I love Jesus Christ, not a religious person, but  I have met Jesus, and I have been changed and I long to share what He has done and continues to do in my own life.

As up as I am, I can also swing far the other way into deep depression.  I would love to find my voice in sharing all of this.. I dont’ struggle with shyness, and prefer being authentic and vulnerable and honest.

I believe when we bravely share our deepest longings, desires, hurts, fears, shames, joys victories and experiences, we start to set ourselves free.  I long to see others set free and my hope would be to begin that in this type of blogging forum. Eventually I would LOVE to go into a public speaking ministry!

I have something to say and I want to learn how to use my voice in this format.  I am looking forward to learning and growing.

Pam

The Lion and the Lambs July 30, 2015

The headlines we are shown are usually designed to instill our fear and our anger.  To get something that is instinctual inside us to move in some way.  A sort of fear based control of the masses. Designed to stir these emotions, which often leave us feeling helpless or stir us to angry outbursts on social media and then hopelessness in our perceived helplessness.  Who are we to do anything about these great injustices?

Our secondary emotion is usually anger and for me that anger often hides behind my own huge feelings of helplessness and my seeing myself as tiny, inefectual even.

That is not the truth however.  I am only one, but not tiny in voice and I have something to say.

Several years ago, before I pulled the plug on cable T.V. I used to watch “Animal Cops” on Animal Planet. I would get the kids in bed, believing I was watching something wholesome. Instead what was happening was that each night I would go to bed pissed off in disbelief of what human beings were capable of doing to such helpless and love filled creatures!

After a few weeks, as I sorted through these extreme emotions, It began to dawn on me that I was getting so enraged about the horrific neglect and abuse of helpless animals, while all around me this same horror was happening to human beings. To helpless children.  I knew of these horrors first hand as a day care assistant to a brave women who willingly opened her home and her heart to provide day care to the Local Children and youth agency, and also foster and adopt many of these children herself.

Don’t get me wrong, I love animals and no living creature should experience abuse at the hands of a human. But for me, I struggle so much, sitting on my couch upset about these helpless animals, and doing little.  What good is my anger and frustration if I don’t allow it too be used to usher in a change?

Todays headlines are brimming with Cecil the Lion and while that story is inarguably atrocious, even more so in my humble opinion is what is happening at Planned Parenthood.  I struggle to comprehend haow we are so incensed as human beings to plead the cause of this lion yet be ok with the fact that this has now shoved Planned Parenthood’s abominations right out of the headlines.

Look, I get what Planned Parenthood claims to be and do.  But lets call it what it is. It’s a billion dollar a year money making ABORTION industry. Since Roe V. Wade passed in January 1973, over 56,500,000 legal, medical procedure abortions have been performed in the United States alone.  Sadly, my aborted child(ren) are part of that number.

Perhaps that is why I am so infuriated today.  Knowing that what is being sold to me/us/the masses via their media agenda and taught in our public school system as a “ball of tissue” aka: my baby, was/is now being sold as aborted baby body parts?! What?  Oh the convenience of calling it in different forms in order to make them the most money.

The convenient lies I believed.  It isn’t a baby, it’s a ‘ball of tissue’ sure makes it easier to abort. Then the “tissue ball” conveniently turns back into a baby when it comes to butchering it up as parts to make money?  Then I struggle to wrap my brain around the social media frenzy over this lion Cecil as opposed to a government-funded agency peddling aborted baby pieces?

Are we even awake any longer?

Look, I have owned the responsibility and bear the weight of having chosen abortion. I believed the media.  I believed the lie of convenience. That I could choose to terminate my pregnancy quickly and no one would ever have to know. That I could decided who lives and who dies and that I could simply resume my life.  That decision is not so cut and dry. Yet, if the true facts had been laid before me, I may have chosen differently.  I may not have.  I can’t go back and say either way and the point is, the truth, complete facts were not presented to me in that abortion clinic.

Moving forward I can tell you experientially that abortion claims more than the life of a baby.  It claimed my life as well that day.   Sure I went on “living” but I was not alive. I was going thru the motions and at the same time I was just surviving, I lost me.  That day, on that cold abortion table, a young girl sat her hopes and dreams down and picked up drugs, alcohol, promiscuity. All things designed to keep me numb as I ran.

The trauma from abortions is not typically talked about. The truth of what it may rob from a mother’s heart. Now today I watch in horror as a waking nightmare becomes worse. This money-making machine is selling aborted baby parts.

As a federally funded, government supported company, these most recent findings should demand proper investigation and require complete transparency.  This requires an enormous public outcry.  We cannot allow ourselves to be distracted from this issue by Cecil the lion, when Cecile* (yes that’s actually her name) the president of Planned Parenthood roams free.

The first Amendment of the United States of America affords and protects our right to freedom of speech.  We are alive during times where social media offers each of us the opportunity and platform to be influential in our spheres. What has happened to Cecil the lion deserves our outcries also, please hear me on this, it was wrong. I am simply suggesting that each one of us would check our hearts and channel our passionate energies into effecting change that protects the dignity and inviolability of human life first.

The Lion should have never been hunted for sport. He was illegally sold and beheaded for his parts and the public outcry is being heard. Cecil the lion has many standing in the gap, speaking for his life being wrongly taken.

And the  lambs of abortion. Where is our deafening public outcry for those innocent human lives being ended and sold for their parts?  Please don’t allow our eyes and hearts to be moved more towards a creature then the ones created in the Image of God.

***The current president of Planned Parenthoods name is ironically ‘Cecile” ***

Wednesday May 27, 2015 The Best Part of Waking Up

As a coffee lover, the ad man who came up with “The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup” has acquired genius status in my book. Haha!   However, as much as I look forward to my quiet time with God and my coffee, I discovered something even better than Folgers in my cup.  For my cup, the well of my soul, is in need of fresh mercy daily and I am promised a never-ceasing supply every single morning! (Lamentations 3:22-23) An even better part of waking up!

In recent years I became aware of how the enemy lies in wait next to my bed.  Perched close enough to my head so that the second I awaken, he begins the onslaught of lies.  His sweet nothings run the gamut from my self-imposed laundry list of “to do’s” to the “should haves”,  a reminder of the person that hurt me 3, 5 or 20 years ago, evil forebodings ( Proverbs 15:15 in the Amplified Bible says  ‘All the days of the desponding and afflicted are made evil [by anxious thoughts and forebodings], fear of the future, shame of the past, guilt etc.  Whatever our particular buttons are, our enemy stands ready to press ‘Play’  the moment our minds are engaged upon wake up.

God offers us another option.  2 Timothy 1;7 says “For God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind” (KJV).  Romans 8:15 “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”

The renewal of my mind may have started before I became aware. Just as when I received Christ, I didn’t really “feel” differently, but He had begun a good work in me (Phil 1:6).  It was about a year into my very intentional walk with Jesus Christ that I became aware of what was waiting for me when I woke up in the morning. I often didn’t look forward to morning because of this lifelong onslaught.  Was there anything I could do about it?  I mean, my thoughts come and go, is it possible to control them?  To control my mind? The Song of Solomon 2:15 reminds ‘Catch the little foxes that are ruining your vineyard’. Catch them, Fight them, Seize them. To do so we must first recognize them and name them.”

I had heard the teachings of Joyce Meyer on “the Battlefield of the Mind” and I began praying and seeking Gods truth in this.  “Think about what you are thinking about” is something Joyce often says and this resonated with me.  Scripture states in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will” reminding me that action, on my part is necessary.

First, I don’t conform or “buy into” the junk the world is trying to push on me, by purposefully allowing God to transform my mind.  For me this has meant, being intentional in getting into scriptures.  Easily ‘Googling’ scripture verses that speak to me, my current circumstances and what God says about those things. Then, when I wake up in the morning, I speak Gods hope immediately, not allowing the enemy to plant his seeds of despair and hopelessness.

It means becoming intentional in what I feed myself, emotionally, spiritually, physically. What I watch on t.v., movies, what I read, and with what I am surrounding myself with daily. This holds true for my physical body as well.  If I eat a bunch a crap, most likely the next day, I’m going to feel like crap!  I have tested this theory quite extensively and find it to be true. 😦

Now when I wake up, I claim Gods promises: “Good Morning Father God, thank you for this day! thank you for breath, for Your relentless Love in Christ Jesus.  ‘Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love’ Psalm 143:8  ‘I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength’, Thank you for whatever this day brings, guide me in it.” Speaking gratitude shifts my attitude immediately regardless of my current circumstances. Then I claim my identity, who God says I am. “Daughter, heir, princess, chosen, loved, worthy, forgiven, redeemed, free, His.”

There are seasons when life is unbearably heavy, but there is a promise in scripture for all of our circumstances.  I get into His word, find the scripture that speaks to my situation, good or not so good and when I awaken, I claim Gods Truth by speaking that scripture. Jotting scripture on 3 x 5 cards has been an extremely powerful too also. I place these cards on my car dashboard, the bathroom mirror, cabinets. Wherever I am likely to see them so that they become my truth.

When I speak Gods words of truth and life into my circumstances,  I am speaking Gods power into them.  Surrendering them to Him and speaking against the lies of the enemy. I am taking my thoughts captive (2 Cor.10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ). Only with Gods help and His words of truth, can my mind be continually renewed.  Then, I will be the overcomer scripture says that I already am!  Then I can awaken each day to  walk in the Victory that Jesus Christ already won for me!

Who is the one who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? 1 John 5:5

You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. – 1 John 4:4

 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there isanything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Phil 4:8

Have a great day and remember Whose you are!

Pam

May 21, 2015 Thursday ‘Oh Me of Little Faith’

Today my thoughts are mingled with worry, sadness, joy, and also the feeling of being very overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with the physical tasks before me in my house.  Overwhelmed with the lack of finances.  I don’t know why I go there financially, God has ALWAYS been faithful!  But boy oh boy can I cling to the perception of lack.  Just like the Israelites wandering around, watching the Red Sea part. Watching their enemies destroyed before their eyes while they remained safe, not one harmed amongst them.  Watching birds/dinner fall from the sky.  Manna supplies enough for each day.  Scripture over and over again, throughout the old and the New testaments show Gods faithful provision.  Oh me of little faith!

Some days my faith is sure and enormous.  And if I were having a not so faith filled day, and you stopped by for encouragement, I could speak the truth to you, what I truly believe, while my deceptive heart tries to tell me “you don’t have enough”.  Its been my experience that both of us would walk away from that time of fellowshipping and be mightily encouraged and I would “feel’ better.   But the reality is that is not my daily reality.  People don’t stop by in need of my perceived godly wisdom and encouragement.  I am often left with only my bible and my experience of Gods faithfulness.  Why oh why is that not enough?    Why do I buy the lie of lack?

For the last 20 years I have survived only by the amazing grace of God!  It is only thru His daily provision that I have lived in my castle and raised my 3 sons with almost zero financial help from anyone else. Much less physical and emotional help. Gods been it!  My all in all.  Why do I fall to doubt?  What is it in this flesh of mine that tells me I won’t be fine?

Sin.  Undoubtedly sin and broken humanness.  I hate my condition some days.  Often I pine for heaven, then I glimpse my sons walking down the sidewalk, side by side, laughing on their way to do some chores, and I feel I am experiencing heaven on earth.  Moments captured while the sun is setting through the woods behind my home.  Two young men, on loan to me to parent, from Father God and my heart skips and heaven has touched earth and my heart.

We really are spirits caught in the battles between good and evil.   I believe that when I get to heaven, After Jesus greets me with a hug like only Jesus can give, He will walk me over to the heavenly white board or perhaps an ALL Powerful Powerpoint and He will show me all the ways in which I was protected and cared for throughout my life.  As thankful as I believe I am each day “thank you for this meal, for this home, for our health, for my sons, for safe travel, etc. ”  I believe I have almost no idea of the level of His protection over our lives.  The day I was running late and spilled so much coffee on my white pants that I had to change and be even later.  The time, one of the kids missed the school bus and the car wouldn’t start.  And what about my lack of thankfulness when the storms come. I am like a wind tossed wave. I live in fear of emotional storms.  I don’t believe myself to be strong enough today.   He says I don’t have to be, for I can do ALL things thru Him who gives me strength” (Eph 4:13).  I forget that when it hurts or when I am scared.  In my pain I forget He is in the boat (Matt 8:23-27) I fail to remember He has already gone before me and made a way (Deut 31:8, Psalm 139:5, Isaiah 52:12) .  Promise after promise.  Proof upon proof. Faithfulness upon faithfulness.

Fear has been a lifelong sidekick.  I would like to kick him to the side and no longer walk with any fear.  Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)  I am not walking in nor accepting the perfect love of  Father God in Jesus Christ.  Which means I doubt.  Not only do I doubt, I doubt He sees me as soon as things start to squeeze or hurt.  Fear comes.  If I believed non stop that He loves me, that perfect love would cast out my fear, so I must not believe He loves me.  I do believe He loves me but I allow the fear liar to cast out the Perfect Love.  Why is it easier for me to trust fear?  Because I have known fear more than I have known love.  And that there is a sad statement of my truth. ( Take heart for I have overcome the world John 16:33)   So I have met Jesus and experienced His love yet this worlds love is what I still often long for and it has given me fear because it is faulty and so full of holes.  Broken human parents doing the best they could, could not love me the way I am designed to be loved.  Only Christ can.  Only God can fill the God shaped void in me.  And I know these things, yet I drop them and run to a moment of pleasure because that numbs the fear.

So today I don’t want to fear. I want the Perfect love that casts out my fear.  How do I attain it?  It’s not going to come in human flesh and earthly things.  It can only come from relationship with Christ Jesus and my submission to the Holy spirit.  Which now tells me as I type, that I am not submitted today. Well I am submitted, but I am submitted to my own way. The faulty way of flesh and instant gratification.  Not the narrow path.  That one is scary because it means I need to relinquish control and trust in God.  Ack!!

Sure I can spout a bunch of scriptural truths and I have had enough experiences with Christ and the faithfulness of God.  So why do I so easily forget?  What is behind that?

I often wonder if I am being disobedient.   Clearly I am prideful and a control freak of my own life. Pride of life aka Sin Sin Sin!  Lord help me.

Today I want to just wallow in HIs presence and His promises, but my heart is restless. It believes we gotta be doing.  It reminds me of my lack of income.  It reminds me of my lack of a retirement fund. It screams of the messes that need attention. The weedy garden, the bills that keep coming, the basement,  the attic, the laundry! Oh my!  It has allowed the enemy to gain a foothold of fear that I lack.  And according to this world I do.. According to Gods word, I need no more than I have.  Matthew 6:28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing,”  Oh me of little faith,..  “Who of you by worrying can add a single day to their life?”(Matt 6:27)

My prayer for the last 2 years has been that I would clearly discern Gods will.  Stay home and keep plugging at the online business or get a job outside the home.  I feel He answers with ‘stay home and finish your race strong of raising the youngest son.  At 14, he needs you now more than ever.’  God is this Your will?

God knows my heart better than I know my heart and He knows I long and desire like mad to walk in His will for my life.  If I clearly believe I have discerned that I am to continue where I am, why do I worry?  Because my bank account goes down and I rest my sense of security on dollar amounts, not on heavenly accounts.  That is an ugly truth.  I know I am broken right there. By broken I mean faulty thinking that is not of God.  Please repair that with your Truth Lord Jesus.  Place in me the truth, not this worlds monetary lie of lack.  Create in me a clean heart, not one that doubts your faithful provision.  Let me sing songs of great praise and adoration to you today because you are faithful and I am faulty.  But you make up for that and for that truth, I am so thankful. Thank you Father..

Pam

Fakebook- A Spoken Word

Reality is so much better then Facebook.

We get together and I can see.. How your eyes look

It’s just so easy to throw a crumb by clicking “Like”

And Fake that it’s all right,

Cause then you don’t make time for me tonight.

But I need more then likes and status checks.

I need to know that someone really cares

Enough to pick up the phone

To hear my voice and check on me

Reality to see

If I’m ok.

Can we spare the time in this crazy day

To sit down with one another

To show love out to my brothers?

I don’t want to see you “liking” everything I do or say

Its just a lazy way

And now I know how little time you have for me

Its plain to see.. A painful reality

That you and me may never be that friendly.

Inside my heart this fire starts

That all this fake connection is disconnecting me … from you

And pushing us apart

And whoa your list of friends it grows

And now everybody knows your business

You “check in” to show how ‘good’ you are

Yet hide the things that you decide

You live a lie.. and Facebook helps perpetuate your myth.

I’d rather see you in the flesh

I try my best

For face to face instead of photos

How bout a hug

And time to spend

I don’t feel like your “closest’ friend

I feel left out.

*There’s nothing special about being one of your five hundred Facebook friends.*

Get off my page… You stalking me

And choices you make are haunting me

If you want to know how I am

Pick up the phone and call me friend.

Cause I don’t need a friend like you

Who takes for granted, what and who I am.

Yeah, I want more then this disconnect

the hole that social medias left

What we choose to project

Can be a lie … and then whats left?

Your truth and mine

Be careful now, you’ve crossed a line

There is no going back

Unfriend… Denied

Pam Cruz Feb. 23, 2013

The Good Life

I catch myself staring
Often comparing
Discontent with my lot.
Wanting the stuff that they’ve got.

It seems they have a better life.
A bigger house, a prettier wife
A daddy that comes home each night
No one yells, no one fights.

Its an illusion created by my enemy
Designed to steal my destiny
To keep me bound
When I’ve been freed.

Manicured and weed free lawn
Flowers blooming and everyone
Drools and covets as they walk by
Picture perfect projects outside.

Inside the perfect house
The children cry
Daddys drunk and mommy has to hide
He throws punches with words and fists
No one should have to live like this.

While down the street
Weed covered lawn strewn with toys,
A single mom struggles to raise three boys
No one bothers to stop and say
“How are you doing, are you ok?”
“Can we help in some way?”

She pushes back the sleeves
On her yard sale sweater
Dries her tears, cause she knows better.

She once cowered in a perfect palace.
Filled with rage, violence and malice
Alcohol helped to drown the pain
But she’s not going back again.

It ain’t about the size of the house
The fancy car, the bank account.
In her humble home there’s peace and love.
Jesus is the Cornerstone
Her now sober life is built upon.

Kids are safe
They grow secure
Knowing God is what matters more
Then all the riches of this world

The Good life’s not found in things
But in all that Gods love brings.