Today my thoughts are mingled with worry, sadness, joy, and also the feeling of being very overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the physical tasks before me in my house. Overwhelmed with the lack of finances. I don’t know why I go there financially, God has ALWAYS been faithful! But boy oh boy can I cling to the perception of lack. Just like the Israelites wandering around, watching the Red Sea part. Watching their enemies destroyed before their eyes while they remained safe, not one harmed amongst them. Watching birds/dinner fall from the sky. Manna supplies enough for each day. Scripture over and over again, throughout the old and the New testaments show Gods faithful provision. Oh me of little faith!
Some days my faith is sure and enormous. And if I were having a not so faith filled day, and you stopped by for encouragement, I could speak the truth to you, what I truly believe, while my deceptive heart tries to tell me “you don’t have enough”. Its been my experience that both of us would walk away from that time of fellowshipping and be mightily encouraged and I would “feel’ better. But the reality is that is not my daily reality. People don’t stop by in need of my perceived godly wisdom and encouragement. I am often left with only my bible and my experience of Gods faithfulness. Why oh why is that not enough? Why do I buy the lie of lack?
For the last 20 years I have survived only by the amazing grace of God! It is only thru His daily provision that I have lived in my castle and raised my 3 sons with almost zero financial help from anyone else. Much less physical and emotional help. Gods been it! My all in all. Why do I fall to doubt? What is it in this flesh of mine that tells me I won’t be fine?
Sin. Undoubtedly sin and broken humanness. I hate my condition some days. Often I pine for heaven, then I glimpse my sons walking down the sidewalk, side by side, laughing on their way to do some chores, and I feel I am experiencing heaven on earth. Moments captured while the sun is setting through the woods behind my home. Two young men, on loan to me to parent, from Father God and my heart skips and heaven has touched earth and my heart.
We really are spirits caught in the battles between good and evil. I believe that when I get to heaven, After Jesus greets me with a hug like only Jesus can give, He will walk me over to the heavenly white board or perhaps an ALL Powerful Powerpoint and He will show me all the ways in which I was protected and cared for throughout my life. As thankful as I believe I am each day “thank you for this meal, for this home, for our health, for my sons, for safe travel, etc. ” I believe I have almost no idea of the level of His protection over our lives. The day I was running late and spilled so much coffee on my white pants that I had to change and be even later. The time, one of the kids missed the school bus and the car wouldn’t start. And what about my lack of thankfulness when the storms come. I am like a wind tossed wave. I live in fear of emotional storms. I don’t believe myself to be strong enough today. He says I don’t have to be, for I can do ALL things thru Him who gives me strength” (Eph 4:13). I forget that when it hurts or when I am scared. In my pain I forget He is in the boat (Matt 8:23-27) I fail to remember He has already gone before me and made a way (Deut 31:8, Psalm 139:5, Isaiah 52:12) . Promise after promise. Proof upon proof. Faithfulness upon faithfulness.
Fear has been a lifelong sidekick. I would like to kick him to the side and no longer walk with any fear. Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18) I am not walking in nor accepting the perfect love of Father God in Jesus Christ. Which means I doubt. Not only do I doubt, I doubt He sees me as soon as things start to squeeze or hurt. Fear comes. If I believed non stop that He loves me, that perfect love would cast out my fear, so I must not believe He loves me. I do believe He loves me but I allow the fear liar to cast out the Perfect Love. Why is it easier for me to trust fear? Because I have known fear more than I have known love. And that there is a sad statement of my truth. ( Take heart for I have overcome the world John 16:33) So I have met Jesus and experienced His love yet this worlds love is what I still often long for and it has given me fear because it is faulty and so full of holes. Broken human parents doing the best they could, could not love me the way I am designed to be loved. Only Christ can. Only God can fill the God shaped void in me. And I know these things, yet I drop them and run to a moment of pleasure because that numbs the fear.
So today I don’t want to fear. I want the Perfect love that casts out my fear. How do I attain it? It’s not going to come in human flesh and earthly things. It can only come from relationship with Christ Jesus and my submission to the Holy spirit. Which now tells me as I type, that I am not submitted today. Well I am submitted, but I am submitted to my own way. The faulty way of flesh and instant gratification. Not the narrow path. That one is scary because it means I need to relinquish control and trust in God. Ack!!
Sure I can spout a bunch of scriptural truths and I have had enough experiences with Christ and the faithfulness of God. So why do I so easily forget? What is behind that?
I often wonder if I am being disobedient. Clearly I am prideful and a control freak of my own life. Pride of life aka Sin Sin Sin! Lord help me.
Today I want to just wallow in HIs presence and His promises, but my heart is restless. It believes we gotta be doing. It reminds me of my lack of income. It reminds me of my lack of a retirement fund. It screams of the messes that need attention. The weedy garden, the bills that keep coming, the basement, the attic, the laundry! Oh my! It has allowed the enemy to gain a foothold of fear that I lack. And according to this world I do.. According to Gods word, I need no more than I have. Matthew 6:28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing,” Oh me of little faith,.. “Who of you by worrying can add a single day to their life?”(Matt 6:27)
My prayer for the last 2 years has been that I would clearly discern Gods will. Stay home and keep plugging at the online business or get a job outside the home. I feel He answers with ‘stay home and finish your race strong of raising the youngest son. At 14, he needs you now more than ever.’ God is this Your will?
God knows my heart better than I know my heart and He knows I long and desire like mad to walk in His will for my life. If I clearly believe I have discerned that I am to continue where I am, why do I worry? Because my bank account goes down and I rest my sense of security on dollar amounts, not on heavenly accounts. That is an ugly truth. I know I am broken right there. By broken I mean faulty thinking that is not of God. Please repair that with your Truth Lord Jesus. Place in me the truth, not this worlds monetary lie of lack. Create in me a clean heart, not one that doubts your faithful provision. Let me sing songs of great praise and adoration to you today because you are faithful and I am faulty. But you make up for that and for that truth, I am so thankful. Thank you Father..